Boulder Newborn Photographer | Mama Stories
If you are a new mother or expecting a baby, you may be looking for connection, for answers and for community. It is out there and I encourage you to engage and find what you need! Although every mother’s experience is different, we are all on the same journey. We {as mothers} want to feel secure, loved and protected and we want the exact same for our babies. The gift of motherhood will bring you every extreme emotion and all the little feels in between, embrace them and share them with a friend. You are helping her in so many ways.
Last month, I invited you to follow along here for a new story each month. I have hand chosen these mamas to share their pregnancy and new motherhood stories here. I have had the honor to photograph them at some point in their journey and share what they have to say alongside their images. Thank you for trusting me to capture your experiences.
Want to share your story?
Tara’s Story
“This story is not solely about the birth of our baby boy and how our family of four became five. Rather it’s a personal account about anxiety and will hopefully help others who have, are or will go through it as pertaining to pregnancy, birth or parenting. So I will start by saying that no previous child nor number of Janet Lansbury podcasts could have prepared me for the turbulence, lack of sleep and chaos I am now grasping to embrace in these golden years. By “chaos”, I mean in addition to an untidy house and piles of laundry, simultaneously nursing a newborn, whisking eggs for breakfast, playing referee to my two daughters, getting food on the table and immediately escaping to the closet for a quiet place to email or make a brief client call. Parenting has been full of challenges and my anxiety officially kicked into overdrive at the 20-week anatomy scan of my third baby. Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed during this transition, I ground myself, reflecting on the journey to get to where I am today and I feel extremely fortunate.
No pregnancy or birth experience is created equal but having two “normal” pregnancies resulting in the births of my bright and beautiful daughters did not prepare me for the soft markers that would present themselves at the 20-week ultrasound of my baby boy. Earlier genetic testing with normal results wouldn't reveal a single umbilical artery, femurs measuring two weeks behind, or an echogenic intracardiac focus, and during that 20 week appointment, we unexpectedly had to face the difficult decision of whether or not to proceed with an amniocentesis. These three markers as isolated findings would be nothing to fret, but the combination meant increased probability of a genetic disorder, namely Edwardian’s Syndrome. The decision was not easy but my husband and I ultimately chose to move forward with as much knowledge as possible to prepare for whatever lay ahead. Instinctually, I wanted to protect my growing baby but found myself exposing my belly to a perinatologist, as she pierced my amniotic sac with a hollow needle to sample fluid for fetal DNA. We watched anxiously on the screen as his little foot waved too close for comfort to the large needle. I left our appointment feeling deflated and I was also nervous to see my daughters because I knew I had to keep it together emotionally. If that appointment confirmed anything it was that I was terrified of losing this growing baby.
We spent the next five days waiting on the results that we thought were going to come in two. This waiting was only made bearable by the care I received from my husband and daughters and the small bit of optimism to which I clinged. Google was a constant companion and I often went to dark places; a defense mechanism I know too well, preparing myself for the worst and planning for how I was going to break the news to my kids. When good news ultimately came and no genetic abnormalities were found, I was overjoyed and assumed my anxiety would dissipate. Instead, I couldn’t shake the cloud and remained in a worst-case-scenario mindset for months. This often presented itself as irrational fears of the well-being of my six-year old and three-year old children while never fully kicking the thought that something could still be wrong with my growing baby. It seemed the anxiety had already sunken into my bones. What if the tests were wrong? What if the single umbilical artery wasn’t giving him everything he needed? What should I do to prepare my girls for the worst? I even had the thought that maybe I deserved to lose this baby because how could I be a great mom to another child when I barely had enough energy to give to my two? My oldest asked me to snuggle in her top bunk one night but when I told her I couldn’t make the climb, her reply was “but mom, I’m awfully lonely up here”; it brought me to tears. The silver lining was that my husband ultimately pulled the extra weight, handling the bedtime routine when anxiety and depression settled in and I felt I had nothing left to give.
For whatever reason, I felt I was incapable of dealing with the unexpected “difficulties” and anxiety during my third pregnancy. I put “difficulties” in quotation marks because it is not lost on me how fortunate I was to be able to have a natural, healthy birth outside of a hospital (in a Birth Center). Despite drama free pregnancies and deliveries with my girls, I was no stranger to mild postpartum anxiety. Immediately after the birth of each of my children I wouldn’t let them leave my side - no pokes for blood tests without my presence. This was despite the fact that my first two pregnancy and birth experiences were equally wonderful. However, the majority of postpartum anxiety faded away with the girls and I had never experienced anything quite like this during pregnancy.? Despite the incredible amnio results, the single umbilical artery categorized my pregnancy as high risk and I needed to undergo additional ultrasounds to measure fetal growth. If baby boy wasn’t growing over the next few months, I would need to be induced and unable to birth as I had hoped and expected. This continued to weigh on me.
As pregnancy progressed and each follow-up growth scan brought good news, my concern shifted to labor and delivery. I tested positive for Group Beta Strep and opted to receive antibiotics during labor. At 39 weeks and 1 day I had a membrane sweep and my water broke at 4:30 a.m. the following morning. Much like with my girls, contractions didn’t start right away, but I needed to head to the Birth Center to start antibiotic treatment to reduce risk of infection for baby boy. I would need the antibiotics every four hours until birth. I anticipated him coming soon but if what we endured during pregnancy was any indication, my baby had plans of his own. At 4 p.m. I had my third round of antibiotics and still was not having any major contractions. If anything it almost felt as I was heading in the wrong direction and my mind began to wander towards what would happen if this didn’t start to progress soon. Would we need to get a hospital transfer and would I need to be induced? The Birth Center recommended I give acupuncture a try. I had never had acupuncture but was willing to try and get labor going and anxious to meet my new baby. At one point during the session, my acupuncturist placed a needle in the middle of my sternum and told me that in Chinese medicine, the belief is that the heart controls the reproductive system. The emotional weight of the moment hit me and uncontrollable tears flowed down my face. Soon after, I began to feel notable contractions. Prior to this moment my anxiety hadn’t allowed my heart to fully welcome this baby into the world. But finally, worries of what complications labor might bring dissolved, I finished my acupuncture session and my baby boy arrived an hour later. Contractions were strong and swift and channeling my inner Russian water birthing self (add link), I pulled my healthy baby out of the water with my family there to witness and embrace. Complete bliss. We had a healthy baby boy. With the support of a friend, we sent the girls home for baths and bed and followed soon thereafter to sleep in our own bed before midnight.
A few days later and during one sleep-deprived nursing stupor, I realized my mantra had been with me all along. My blood type: B+. Be positive! Anxiety hadn’t completely subsided postpartum but I had a coping mechanism and a healthy baby to celebrate. But the story doesn’t end there.
At our one-week pediatric appointment, all was normal with the exception of two pulse oximeter devices giving an alarmingly low reading that “puzzled” our pediatrician. He left the room and called a cardiologist who recommended we rush to Children’s Hospital for an echocardiogram. Fortunately, my mom was in town so she picked up our daughters from school and my husband rushed from work to pick me up to head to the hospital. I remained calm, sat next to my babe on the way and somehow knew he was going to be okay. This was NEW! But i felt that until now my baby boy had defied the odds and it wasn’t the first time he had doctors stumped. Everything we had been through prepared us for this. The echocardiogram was a rather painless experience and we received the results quickly and they were positive; our baby’s heart was perfectly normal and the alarm was likely the result of a bad reading. We left Children’s Hospital feeling elated once again and celebrated with a few stouts at our favorite pub!
Enter the coronavirus...
Before becoming a parent, I would have described myself as an easy-going Aquarian, up for any adventure. Now as a parent of three I find that things have changed. I am now soothed by some structure and grapple with creating boundaries as much as possible for the sake of my sanity. My husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on this. But our lives are fluid, pushed and pulled in many directions at the same time, and in the midst of a global pandemic, I remind myself that anxiety does not serve me and is not a healthy way of life. The freedom of my carefree attitude was forfeited for motherhood but that doesn’t require giving up all spontaneity and fun. It’s ok to worry, but when my fears become irrational, it’s time to get help, of which I’m not very good at asking for. A COVID-19 day poses a different set of challenges. Overwhelmed, but thankful, for the resources available to educate my children, I remember to cut myself (and my kids) a break, celebrate small victories (ahem, everyone’s teeth are brushed today!), reach out to friends with the same struggles for support, and soak in the quiet snuggles during this time of quarantine. Fortunately, I now work from home and, having my husband working from home as well, I’m hoping to come out on the other end of my “fourth trimester” with a sense of peace, knowing that my family is safe and in one place together. I hope to carry this forward even after our lives resume and we head off in different directions once again. I recognize that kids have to fail, and fall down sometimes, and that we can’t helicopter and control every little aspect of their safety. I’m not fully there yet, but I am beginning to feel confident that I’m getting close.
Through everything, no doubt the risk is worth the reward and bringing these wise, special spirits into this world is my life’s best work. I live for the carefree moments of love, joy, calmness, and magic that surrounds adding a baby to our growing family. Parenting opens up a lifetime of vulnerability but my mantra to “B positive”, look through a lens of gratitude, and put it all into perspective reminds me whenever I’m anxious or overwhelmed, I have the great privilege of raising a family.”
Thank you Tara, for sharing and thank you all for reading! If you’d like to follow along, I will be posting a new story in the last week of each month! Feel free to subscribe to get updates below! Also, if you are a new or expecting mamma, I’d love for you to join my Facebook group - Colorado New and Expecting Mamas. It’s a great resource for trusted birth professionals as well as other new and expecting moms throughout Colorado!